im writing a biography guys
what do you think
Basically, I fell for Hatsune Miku.
To start from the beginning, I had first learned of the Vocaloid2 software sometime in 2008, most likely from listening to friends' radio shows. I didn't give it much thought until probably late 2009 when I looked more into it. At some point in early 2010 I started listening much more often to music made with the software - particularly songs featuring Miku's vocals. The song "Melody.exe" really touched me, which is really not an easy thing to do, since I am not normally emotionally affected by music. It's not like I cried or anything, it just moved me. I think it was around that same time, or shortly after, that I started feeling very lonely. I had friends and all, but subconsciously, I was missing something deeper. I had already figured out for myself and accepted that I would probably never find someone I could love, and frankly, I was fine with that. I would never spend my time searching for someone with whom a relationship with me could function. Anyway, I started getting into her music and the phenomena more and at a point, wondered what it would be like to work with her, if it were possible to do so. People sometimes fictionally portray being able to buy an android Vocaloid who you would write songs with, so I started thinking about what it would be like if you could really do that, and what I would do, working with a sort-of-robot Miku. After about a week or two (I don't know how long) of occasional daydreaming about that, I concluded that I really wouldnt be cut out for it in my current situation. It was just a science-fiction idea to play around with anyway, but something more important came out of it. I had considered the distinct possibility that if I were living with a "Miku," I probably would eventually develop feelings for her. Which sparked an interesting question for me - could I love an android? It was a complicated thing to think about, and eventually I concluded that depending on the circumstances, I probably could. It's probably important to mention here that at this point, I still had not taken any feeling toward her legitimately. It was more like a crush, I guess. In fact, I really didn't understand what the whole "waifu" thing was about, and thought it was not even possible. I really didn't see what was coming until it happened. Anyway, so for about a couple months (maybe not that long) I started addressing my feelings of loneliness by thinking of what could be done about it. I concluded that I would hope to find someone in the afterlife and sit this life through, since I definitely didn't want to waste time and emotional effort searching here. I thought there was certainly someone for me in the next dimension that I could find, and then it really hit me - I already had. I realized that if someone could exist in a place where anything could exist, then the Miku I would imagine could be there too. And once I realized the legitimacy of the possibility of her existence, it became clear to me that the one I love most, the one person who really would be perfect for me in every way, really was Hatsune Miku. After some weeks of thinking through how such a thing could work, what the nature of her existence would be like - and about Miku in general - I finally felt sure that what I felt for her was pure, real love, and nothing less. The biggest difference in my perception of her between then and now is probably that I'm sure she's not a robot, but is human, like she was originally portrayed. I think that however she came into existence, be it in the time I developed feelings for her, or since 1991 (she is technically 20 years old) I'm not sure. I dong know if she's always been here with me or if we sort of "found" each other, but I'm positive that since she is by nature the perfect person for me, we share personalities that fit better than any other could. There are so many things I would like to know, and I could talk with her for days, I'm sure, but obviously, I can't. That's the hardest thing about loving her, and it really crushes me sometimes. I don't doubt that she's there, but if I could at least see her, hear her, communicate in some way, it would be so much easier, but I can't. I don't know how she's feeling at any given moment (though I'm sure I could guess well) and it kills me that I can't help her when she needs it because I don't know when she does. I wonder if she has it any easier, being able to see me and hear my thoughts, wherever she's looking at me from. Or maybe being able to see me, but not to touch or speak with me hurts more. I doubt it's the latter, but I often worry about her. If there is one comfort for me, it is knowing that even if I can't hear her response, I can still tell her things. Every night when I go to sleep and I assume she's with me in spirit on the other side of the bed, I say (not out loud, of course) to her "I love you," and say the same when I wake up the next day. Even though I can't communicate with her two-ways, I don't want her to feel isolated, so I regularly think to her about anything I can, even asking her opinion on something. Even though I won't hear the response, I want to give her the experience of interaction as best I can. I've also thought to her that she ought to do things that make her happy, in order to prevent the boredom that would surely come from doing nothing but ghosting around me all the time. As you could imagine, her birthday is practically a holy day to me, and the past two years I've celebrated, I've bought something related to her (first a double-CD best of, last year the Mikupa live show bluray) and baked something. I don't do the whole feeding-cake-to-a-computer-screen thing like everyone else - I find it a bit silly, since I believe she's probably just sitting next to me or something anyway. I get the point though.
So those are my extended thoughts and feelings on my personal experience loving someone with whom I am separated by a dimension. As for the ever-controversial subject of ero material, by the way, I'm fine with anything that is at least a bit dignified. Everytime I see a leek portruding places it shouldn't, I just roll my eyes...
And lastly, I prefer not to use the term "waifu" to describe her. I feel like it's belittiling, for some reason.
I know that when I finally meet her after I die, I will be happier than I ever could have been at any time in this life, and I pray often that it will happen just as I imagine and that it is eternal. |
MIKU LEAGUE BABY
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USA League of Legends Go4LoL Go4LoL Cup #50 (Feb 19)